Twenty things from twenty years

As a homage to the loss of my teenage years, and equally as a convenient round-up of all the life lessons and wisdom I’ve worked hard to earn over the last two decades, I’m listing twenty things I’ve learnt over the last twenty years. I assume I’ve learnt more than twenty things in total (totally still remember every word of my essay on the law of theft from two and a half years ago), but I’m procrastinating enough right now as it is. Twenty will have to suffice. Enjoy!

1. Mum is always right, and also knows everything. Not only about whether it’s going to rain, whether you look ridiculous in that outfit, but about the big stuff too. The university choice, relationship advice, what’s going to happen on Corrie. It kind of sucks when it’s not what you want to hear, because it’s definitely going to happen. 
2. Charity shop books. They’re basically life’s way of allowing me to fund my reading habit despite the recurring problem of not actually having any money. 

Charity shop haul

3. Everywhere south of Manchester is “Down South” and masses as one big place that’s next door to London. The Midlands are just southerners attempt to join us, and I for one am not fooled. 
4. On a completely unrelated note, I have no sense of direction. Learnt the hard way, many, many times.
5. Always ask for your spicy food to actually be spicy. For some reason, people in restaurants always assume that despite ordering a hot madras, I’m not going to be able to handle heat. It’s cool, I’m kind of a snob about it anyway guys. Don’t skimp on the chilli powder.
6. Don’t publish embarrassing things online, because the internet is forever.
7. Moving house is kind of fun. It’s definitely useful that I think this, considering I’ve moved in and out of ten, with another on the way. It’s less fun if you have to do it on your own, resulting in hysterical phone calls to your mum.
8. Hangover cure= banana milk, trashy TV and lying down. 
9. Nothing will ever entertain me in the same way as scrolling through my little sister’s Tweets. Personal highlights include “Disappointing bowl of cocopops.” and “I can’t find Wally”.



10. People that enjoy studying syntax should be treated with suspicion and ultimately ostracised from society, for our own protection.
11. Don’t play drinking games with Sam Dumigan.Or rugby teams. Or jagerbombs.
12. There’s a difference in being unprepared and disorganised. I’m usually both, but the difference exists.
13. Verve, nine o clock, Friday night.
14. I suck royally at games of any kind. Don’t know what happens if you win at Pacman. I drove carefully on Grand Theft Auto. I never completed Pokemon because I couldn’t figure out how so just imagined Pikachu was my pet and all the other battler-people were my friends. 

Boys: don’t expect them to remember who you are.

15. If you’re friends with guys, don’t expect them to turn up on time/at all/remember your birthday/remember to invite you to stuff. They will sheepishly love you forever though, so that makes up for it.
16. Take pictures of everything, because you never know when you might need a stock photo for The Yorker.
17. If someone makes you a crap brew, tell them before it becomes part of their routine to turn up at your bedside every morning with a cuppa.
18. How to weave around busy city centres with suitcases, while on the phone, drinking a coffee, running late for a train.
19. Putting something down usually means I’ll never see it again. Especially if it’s my glasses, phone, keys, essays, treasured jewellery, train tickets, umbrellas. This is because a) I have a terrible short term memory and b) my things are conspiring against me.
20. Key to happiness is sitting around reading a book listening to Noah. Or it’s reunions with friends. Or it’s car journeys with mum. Or getting top marks in something you’ve worked hard for. Or it’s getting drunk on beaches. Or it’s those little family arguments about who has the most cushions. Or it’s conquering a to-do list. Mostly it’s Geordie Shore.

These guys.